Procrastination

One of my many talents is procrastinating. I am supposed to be "decluttering" my house to put it on the market and I don't want to. It's not like I have to pack the entire place up yet, but I just really don't want to do it. I guess it is the reality of decluttering that makes me realize I have to sell my house and start over somewhere.

I hate moving. Growing up we moved almost every year. I am a complete and total clutter bug. I LOVE my stuff and I like to have my stuff around me at all times. I don't like having to start over. I put my heart and soul into my home, from decorating, to renovating and more. It's my sanctuary - probably too much of one at times, but I love it.

I'm really scared about the future and the unknown. This latest experience of being laid off has completely sucked. I feel so helpless and out of control of my own life. There are days I just want to lay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel like people think I'm a big slacker and that I am not trying to find a job. It's frustrating when I talk with some people, especially old colleagues who say things like, oh I would love to have the time off - as if I'm on holiday. Clearly I'm out shopping all day long.

I've been lucky not to have to really worry about bills when I have a job. I'm not used to clipping coupons and having to make life decisions at the gas pump. With prices going up all over, it's scary to try to figure out how I'm going to make ends meet. I'm completely depressed. It's hard to keep my spirits up.

I think it's just really difficult as I'm doing all of this on my own. I don't mean to say that I'm alone, as I have my family and friends, but the decisions I make, right or wrong, are mine and mine alone to live with. This time last year, I thought I was making the right decision to take a new job...less than a year later, I'm unemployed. I still think it was the right decision at the time, but with hindsight being 20/20, it's hard not to second guess yourself.

You always hope you are making the right decisions. But what is right at the time may not end up being right in the future. I hate the uncertainty and the unknown. So I'm procrastinating so as to put off reality. Everything is changing and I don't know if those changes are for the better.