Dryer Tubes

I hate showering. Why does it take forever to get in, wet yourself down, lather up, rinse off, shave, wash hair, cream rinse hair? And why do I have to do it everyday? Well, actually I don't do it everyday, much to most people's dismay. I should clarify, I really just hate washing my hair. I do try to shower daily (emphasis on try), I just don't wash my hair daily...maybe every 3 or 4 days. I have two old lady shower caps that I rotate. Very sexy. See, I have long hair, but I have a lot of hair. It's very fine textured, but there is a ton of it. It takes FOREVER to dry. I don't like blowing my hair out everyday because I color my hair and the constant blowing makes it brittle and dry. But it's been so flipping cold here for so long, I can't just wait around and air dry my hair. Back when I had a job that would have been unprofessional to show up with a wet head. I'm too chubby to cut it short. I love short hair, but right now that's not a possibility.

I just hate dealing with all the grooming. I can't stand it. After I shower, I have to lube up with lotions and deodorant. I hate the taste of toothpaste, I can't stand brushing my teeth because I swear at least once a week (because I'm a clumsy loser) the brush slips and I stab myself in the little piece of skin under my tongue that connects it to my jaw. Thereby rendering me speechless with a burning mouth full of toothpaste. I hate flossing. But after years of living in Japan where they let their children's teeth rot out of their heads, I'm quite obsessed with keeping my teeth healthy - in spite of hating what I have to do to keep them that way.

My entire of goal of every weekend, which is now essentially endless as I'm unemployed, was to stay in my pajamas and not bathe. I wake up whenever I want to, watch TV in bed until I must get up to go potty, then shuffle to the sofa to watch more TV and look for a job on the Internet. There I sit until I shuffle back to bed to take a nap, then shuffle back to the sofa to catch late afternoon/evening programs.

I'm so lazy. I love clutter. I love being sloppy. I love to wallow. So I hate having to keep my house in "show-mode". No dishes "soaking" in the sink. No clothes strewn all over my guest bed. No mail and paperwork stacked on the kitchen counters. No food set out on the counter tops or on top of the fridge. But the one thing I especially hate is making my bed. Seriously, of all the stupid things. I'm just going to climb back into it either for a nap or for the night.

Remember on Seinfeld when he and George talked about wanting to know where are the flying cars? I don't want to know where the flying cars are, I want to know where my instant drying tube is after I shower. I want to know where my Rosie the Robot is to clean my house. I have a Roomba, but she can't be out these days due to show mode, so what is the point? Where is my automatic food maker? Where is my automatic laundry folder and put-er away-er? Who cares about flying cars. Just means gas prices will go up even more. I want my dryer tube.